Recently in All Things Hamptons Category

I was at the library the other day multitasking.
Because that's what libraries are for, right?

Writing recipes, looking for design inspiration while simultaneously reading TITANIC TRUCKS to the boy running through the stacked aisles. I was beginning to think that a vacation might be something to consider when all of the sudden books started screaming and jumping off the shelves -- dangerously missing my head... I grabbed Will and dove under the nearest table. The piles of books surrounded us as one manuscript fell open at my knees... it was Poe, "I am above the weakness of seeking to establish a sequence of cause and effect, between the disaster and the atrocity." It was then that I realized that something needed to be done immediately... Because I have reached the final point, and this is it. I am dangerously approaching the end of my blogging quota.

Visualize this to be like filling a water balloon to capacity or eating copious amounts of McDonald's like this guy did a few years ago... only to result in weight gain, heart disease, ulcers and bad skin.... because what did he think was going to happen? I wonder if he wishes that he could go back and undo -- kind of like going back and picking through - deleting the bad blog posts while copying and saving the good ones for republishing possibilities... revitalizing the QUOTA. But oh the HUMANITY.

I started For the Birds on August 22, 2008. It was a slow start... and, although I never intended for this blog to turn into what it is now... it has been a journey like no other... similar to swimming across the Atlantic or leaving the space shuttle mid-universe to test out that gravity theory... floating aimlessly into DEEP SPACE. And if you know what this blog is about, then you're a hair-slight more genius than I, because I lost track a LOOOONG time ago. But I am missing the point.

What I am trying to inch out there is that I am now starting the tedious task of going back, judging myself and then deciding who gets to stay and who gets to go hang out at the pearly gates of archival heaven. But what do you think? If you are here, reading this right now -- If you wouldn't mind turning time off for a few minutes and letting me know if there are any posts that must stay live... Because beyond self-inflicted torture, I am my own souvenir. And I'm sure that isn't the first time I've said that.   

I guess the time has come for reality to finally hit the Hamptons. I mean really. Those of us that live here know how tough it can be... I mean just now I had to lift a finger. I was thinking yesterday about how what we need is a serious reality check. Out here, sitting in the Atlantic Ocean -- just a barrier for the Connecticut coastline... the tip of the sandbar, if you will. Not unlike the beacon  of light that shoots from the Vegas skyline... And then, as it comes to pass--and before I get all existential...because it is Groundhog Day... starring Bill Murray, and I'm in no mood for chitchat--The Jersey Shore is thinking about paying us a visit.

I know.
I didn't know who they were either until I decided to roll off my pedestal and get a clue.

Because I know the Jersey Shore cast members are all REALITY professionals that will treat the Hamptons like their very own stomping ground... Not having watched MTV in a really long time... and then sitting glued with eyes peeled open in mesmerizing awe... Coming to the realization that there is hope for mental dullness.... in a really REAL way.

Yesterday I was first in line at a stop light in my huge SUV. Next to me there was a Hampton Jitney bus -- if you are not familiar, they are the same as Greyhound buses but slightly more rotund and totally oblivious to any other vehicles on the road. So, I'm at this light waiting patiently... thinking about the goods I just purchased for the afternoon BAKING session... along with a creeping OCD panic that the BUS was about to fall on me -- PLEASE -- LIGHT TURN GREEN...  So when the light turns green - I begin to inch forward in an attempt to pass the bus before an upcoming merge when from out of nowhere a VERIZON phone company truck runs the intersection's red light and misses me by a hair... gasping, I swerve into the Hampton Bays Diner parking lot... glancing up only to catch the VERIZON driver giving me the finger and laughing wildly like some swamp yankee cowboy riding a bronco.

After catching my breath... I grasped the wheel firmly and thought... If these Allergen Free Chocolate Chips let me down SOMEONE IS GOING TO PAY.

Because, here's the thing. Baking and cooking without eggs or milk or anything containing the two is not only new to me, but it is almost uncharted territory all together. There are a few cookbooks out there and I'm slowly making my way through them... but what I've noticed is that all of the recipes, thus far, are somewhat off the mark. For example... one recipe that we make quite frequently calls for 1/4 cup of water and notes that "you probably won't need the whole 1/4 cup"... If this were accurate... you'd need teeth of steel to bite through the result... adding more... you actually need more like 2 cups. Another calls for 2 cups of lard vegetable shortening.. when, in an attempt to lighten the hockey puck to resemble a cookie -- 1/4 cup works like a charm. But that isn't all... and this might just be me being me, but aside from NOT TESTING THE RECIPES before publishing... only a handful of these books are nicely designed. If I'm going to take you seriously as a cookbook... show me the food. IN COLOR. Leave the clip art over there in the craft corner where it belongs... THIS IS FOOD. TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

So - before all of this... when I was picking up my first dairy/egg/nut free guide to life I thought - This will be GREAT! And then it wasn't... So I turned to the Vegetarians & Vegans and thought YES - but then No. So now... standing in a sea of half-baked attempts of others, I realize that these aren't guidebooks... these are just suggestions. I might just have to take my shoes off and roam the snow-filled streets on my own... spatula and sifter in hand... Maybe the Verizon Truck Driver would have thought twice had he known my plight. 

Battening, bracing... Bracing, battening...

Yes - it's the truth. And because of this fact, my mind decided to leave my body and go on a little vaca -- thus leaving the rest of me to fend for itself in this merciless society that spends countless hours of judging itself. I'm not clear on the reasons, exactly, for the departure... being mindless at the moment... but I think it had something to do with a massive dumping of obscure golfer behaviors paired with Sid the Scientist's cracked out Grandma doing the Chicken Dance with Elmo. Not to mention that a bastard-red headed demon of a camp owner was just caught stealing some of my design work -- Merry Christmas.... let the bad PR elf dance all over your 4' self. Things have been a little up and down. A little bald hairy. A little POP CULTURE.

And so, as I digress. If you need me, I'll be under the dining room table with my Etch-A-Sketch and clementines, hugging the bottle of Chardonnay with bunny ears on in preparation for Easter. 

When you were pregnant, did you ever look at your significant-other:

• And wonder what they were thinking?
  
• Did you ever ask?
  
• When you asked, was there little in response?
  
• Were you frustrated?
  
• Did you think - this is the biggest thing to ever happen to us, and you have nothing to say - no thoughts or words to express the enormity of the situation?
  
• Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, internalizing was the only option? 

After your baby was born, did you ever:

• Feel pings of resentment towards your significant-other?
• Find yourself wishing that the baby came with an exact instruction manual?
  

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you need to read The Faith Of A Child and Other Stories of Becoming and Being a Dad by Stefan G. Lanfer. If you answered no, I don't believe you -- stop lying.
 

For the Birds receives a varied and interesting audience--and I love it. I know this because most of the comments I receive - through the blog commenting tool or more often via direct email, are gracious and well thought out. I also receive hate mail, which I have mentioned before and is a part of the whole mail phobia.... But even the time that the hater took to write makes me feel... I don't know.... "Processed". And who am I kidding - almost failing Philosophy 101 in college... there just has to be something to this love, hate, love relationship...

A few of my favorite non-hater comments from recent months:

Consider this Evaluation of Evidence via email:

"First, I liked the title.  It has a little of a nineteenth century sound to it.  And the sound reminded me of the title of a book I read a long time ago:  "Within the Context of No Context."  Obviously, this connection cannot be explained.  One of the themes of the book was about making judgements, and how we move from childish judgements to adult judgements.

Coincidentally, I have been thinking a lot about my own habit of judging everything, almost always negatively.  I would have had your reaction exactly to the sign about fuel efficient cars.  I am aware that there are alternative judgements in the face of such evidence.  Maybe:  "I am so glad someone had the idea to recognize people who are sensitive to the fate of the world.  This sign is such a good idea."  I don't know that person, and probably wouldn't want to either.  But why is my judgement so immediately scornful? Childish or adult?  I will continue to ponder this, for a while anyway.
 
Please continue to write these wonderful posts.  Someone out there appreciates them." --Dave S

Where am I? via comments:

I'm going to guess Colonel Mustard in the library with the candlestick, but then I decided to go with: The girl in the black coat in the bottom right of the picture (because if it isn't you, why would a complete stranger smile for the camera?), in Dubai, in 2003.--Robin

This Email Smells Like a Peach via comments:

You get hate mail? I'm jealous. You know you've made it when you get hate mail. I've been waiting, and waiting. When I get one I'm SO going to publish it. My mom will be so proud...--Amanda

Somewhere between Pollock & Kandinsky via comments & email:

Hi Ryan, I like it when I come across what I once described to a friend on the internet as a 'welcome new source of meaning'. I've had an interest in Pollock for some time and through a friend have come to appreciate Kandinsky. In watching the Ed Harris movie on Pollock, my ears pricked up when he was depicted as including Kandinsky as a key influence. Well, this morning the thought just occurred to me and I searched on 'From Pollock to Kandinsky', and found your piece on your son Will's first watercolour. Nice serendipidity. Now reading a site where Pollock was said to be interested in Jung's ideas...more serendipidity! See http://www.thehindu.com/fline/fl1614/16140700.htm What I wanted to share with you was a site that, as far as I recall, hails from Canada, called Ode magazine - about art and artists. A while back I found a page in French, comparing Kandinsky and Borduas. It was in French, but I took the trouble to get it translated (just rough internet option). One of the phrases, in French, from Kandinsky was this: "Les enfants sont les plus grands imaginatifs de tous les temps." My rough internet translation read: "The children are largest imaginative of all times. " Here's that site:http://zodode.5.50megs.com/OetC/pensee_k_b.htm Now I look at Will's watercolour, and see a nice completion of that little journey. Regards, Dave in Australia

Brave New World via comments:

I think that the balance lies somewhere in the middle-- I think it's ludicrous that fruit loops are a "Smart" choice, but I also think that the food companies need to preach moderation vs. making people think that because it's "better" for them, they can eat a whole box. But then how can they make a bunch of money? If the cookie monster says cookies are a "once in a while food," why can't there be levels for the check-marks? I think that we are at the beginning of "the great reckoning" in food marketing (and I work in it). Companies are going to need to develop some sort of social conscience. Putting a check-mark on a box isn't going to be enough. But skippy pb is pretty tasty.--burgerblogger